My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
