Where is the hickey?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
