I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
