I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize
