Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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