If i come over, it means nothing
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
