three words: i give head
three words: not that well
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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