If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
