I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
