girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
