the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
