Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
