im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Randomize
