Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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