my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
