i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
