Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
