My sheets look like a crime scene.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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