my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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