1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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