he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
