he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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