I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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