; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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