Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
