If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
