I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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