she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
