I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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