I need to stop coming to work sober
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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