I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
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I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
