If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
