dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
