I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
