My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
