I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
