just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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