i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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