I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
