I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
