Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
