I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
