I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
