one two three fourrrrnication!
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
