why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
