no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just forgot I was standing up.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
