He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
