I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
