Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
She's like a pop up book from hell.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
