as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
